Coach Paradise: Friend or Foe

Coach Paradise is here to help people make the kind of changes that will allow them to live the lives they only dream of. Recently returned to her own tropical home, she is offering her services so that others can create paradise in their lives wherever they are. No concern is too big or small for her unique coaching approach which comes with compassion, creativity and a heartfelt desire to help others produce extraordinary results. If you have a question for Coach Paradise, please send it confidentially to her at
Dear Coach Paradise –
I've been friends with a person for many years and we have seen each other through many changes. Over the past year our relationship has had its ups and downs – actually it seems like more downs than ups. I think that we are probably both disappointed in one another and have long lists of complaints about what the other one has or hasn't done. I am wondering if we can continue being friends even though the thought of losing this person as a friend leaves me feeling bad and sad. People do change and move on but this is bothering me and I am not sure what to do.
Friend or Foe?
Dear Friend –
The fact that you are asking this question tells me a couple of things right off the bat: 1. You really care about his person and: 2. You are out of alignment. This is a coaching term that describes how smoothly everything goes when your actions are consistent with who you really are and what is really important to you. You are describing being out of alignment – with symptoms of discomfort and distress. I would suggest that you think carefully about your values around friendship and notice how you may be showing up with your friend. What conclusions do you have about this person that you are gathering evidence for? Building your case, are you? How about coming up with a conclusion that is more interesting – one that would support your friendship? For example: My friend is always there for me. Now collect evidence to support this – such as my friend remembers my birthday and makes me chicken soup. Find a conclusion that is true for you. Notice how this changes the space for you and what effect it has on how you feel and how you show up.
Sometimes it is good to talk things out but sometimes this only fans the fire and aerates grievances. I have an exercise to suggest. Visualize you and your friend having fun together, laughing, doing something lighthearted that you both enjoy. Picture things the way you would like them to be and imagine the two of you together as though this were happening in the present. Feel relief and happiness that you are able to enjoy your friendship. You can repeat this exercise as often as you like. Then notice how things are when you actually see or communicate with your friend. This is an experiment that is based on focusing your energy and attracting into your life what you want rather than what you don't want.
I know that you will figure it out and do the right thing or in this case be the friend you would like to see in the world.
In friendship,
Coach Paradise

Editor's note: Coach Paradise (aka Anne Nayer), Professional Life Coach, is a member of the International Coaching Federation, an MSW clinical social worker/psychotherapist, and a medical case manager with 30 years experience working with people of all shapes, sizes and challenges.
For further information about her services, call 774-4355.

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