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Coach Paradise: Lighten Up to Find the Love of Your Life

Dear Coach Paradise,
I have been divorced for a long time and feel like I am ready to settle down in a relationship, but I can’t find the right girl. I’ve gone out with many women and liked some more than others, but nothing feels really right. I start thinking that maybe I’m not going to find anyone I really connect with. It was easier when I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but now I’m not sure what to do. If I don’t look around and date, I’m not likely to find anyone, but this isn’t working out for me, either. Any advice on looking for love?

Looking in Paradise
Dear Looking,
When you really want something and believe that it is out there waiting for you, the wanting is delicious! When you really want something and are looking at something that doesn’t make the grade, you always feel negative emotions and the wanting hurts. Choosing delicious and holding your focus on what you want, believing that the relationship you want is waiting and ready for you, is the key to freeing yourself up to date, have fun, test the waters and enjoy yourself in the process. The combination of the deliciousness of wanting and the joy in the journey is unbeatable.
I know that this is easier said than done, and it is natural to be disappointed. You meet an attractive woman and enjoy your time together until … something lets you know that this is not the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with.
Disappointment sets in. Perhaps there are some misunderstandings to be resolved. You find yourself focused on how poorly this is working out and on how less than ideal this relationship is. Everything gets called into question. Will you always be alone? Are you desirable? Is there anyone out there for you? You find yourself in that painful place of wanting, without the belief that success will ever be yours. You may even try to force the success of a relationship by fixating on someone and trying to make that particular woman your perfect mate.
My suggestion would be to "lighten up." Cultivate a less serious, more playful approach to relationships. Take the pressure off trying to make each one of them "the one." Say to yourself, "This is someone with whom I am having the pleasure of sharing a meal, enjoying a conversation, going to the movies, taking a walk." When you are lighthearted about the people you are spending time with, you will attract other lighthearted people. When you are judging and questioning, you will meet other similarly judgmental, questioning people and you will continue to be disappointed and disappointing.
When you can get yourself in a good-feeling place about meeting people and look forward to going out in order to have fun and the pleasure of the moment, you will be much more likely to attract what you really want, and that person will be much more likely to show up — when you least expect it, so to speak.
"You must find a way to feel good now — even in the apparent absence of something you want — in order to get to what you want" (Esther and Jerry Hicks). This is a truth that I am putting into practice in my daily life and using with all of my coaching clients. The results are astonishing. Not only are people getting what they want, they are enjoying themselves and discovering opportunities and pleasures that they never knew existed. Because they are in a place of lightheartedness and enjoying, they are open and allowing experiences into their lives that are all on the way to what they want. The job shows up, the girl appears, the check is in the mailbox.
Make the deliciousness of wanting your flavor of the month. Enjoy your dates. Thank them and all your past girlfriends, wives and relationships for making what you do want clearer and even more delicious as you have done for them.
To Deliciousness,
Coach Paradise
Editor's note: Coach Paradise (AKA Anne Nayer), Professional Life Coach, is a member of the International Coaching Federation, an MSW clinical social worker-psychotherapist and a medical case manager with 30 years experience working with people of all shapes, sizes and challenges. For further information about her services, call 774-4355, visit her website or email her.

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