Last week’s apparent suicide of a Rutgers freshman reported to have been the victim of cyber-bullying focused on his homosexuality reminds me of the day when I was the last person on my own freshmen hallway to realize that my roommate was gay.
Thank goodness no one had hidden webcams or ways to broadcast invasions of privacy back then, for the same might have occurred at Amherst.
The lesson remains that some campuses are safer, for both men and women, than others; some are more tolerant. Additional research in advance of application and matriculation may well be wise.
My story started with my sheltered, even clueless, suburban upbringing, and my lack of awareness of homosexuals. At age 18, I had no “gaydar.” So, when I returned from a weekend trip to see that some joker had erased the “r” in Gary from the nametags pasted to our door, I asked, “Why did you do that?”
“You don’t know?”
“Know what?”
“Your roommate. He’s a faggot.”
“He’s a what?”
“He’s a homo. He has a boyfriend.”
“He does?”
“Who do you think that guy Brian is?”
As my hallmates shook their heads, I wondered what to do next. From the moment I’d met Gary, I knew we weren’t going to be playing football together, but it had never occurred to me that he liked boys rather than girls. Homophobic guys on the hall were appalled at the idea that I would continue to room with him. They really lost it when the devilishly provocative Brian would visit, leer at them, and lick his lips. It’s a wonder he wasn’t beaten to a bloody pulp.
As I reflected on my situation, I recognized that Gary was a good roommate. He was clean, considerate, allowed me to use his stereo (does anybody else remember stereos!?), and he was very discreet about his relationship, going to see Brian elsewhere when I was around, only bringing him to our room when I was away. So I stayed in our two-room double for the rest of the year, much to the consternation of some of my buddies. The only change that occurred, at the semester, was that we stopped using the outer room as a lounge; instead, it became my room, with Gary in his own space.
When I moved to a fraternity the following year, Gary found other housing, and we went on to graduate. Years later, at either our 10th or 15th reunion, there he was, still with Brian. I learned a lesson in all of this, as I did by singing in the college glee club for three years, where the director and many others were gay.
The essential lesson was at least tolerance, and in some cases real appreciation. It was, and apparently remains, much harder to be gay than to be straight on some campuses. For women, it can be dangerous on some campuses to be around potentially abusive men, too often of the pseudo-student/hyper-athlete type.
In the end, once all the applications are filed, offers received, finances arranged, and enrollment decisions loom, aspiring collegians need to use their personal observations and technological resources to assess the true campus environment. Then, when they join the residential community of their choice, it will only be as tolerant, safe and supportive as they and their peers make it. The adults will be secondary in this regard; it will be up to the kids.
I hope they’ll do better than last week at Rutgers.
Chris Teare is the Director of College Counseling at Antilles School on St. Thomas.
SAT Prep Course News: Any senior in any high school interested in taking a preparation course in advance of the Nov. 6 SAT is urged to contact Jill Tipton via jtipton@antilles.vi or 340-227-3908. The course starts this Wednesday evening, Oct. 6, at 5 p.m., in Room 301 at Antilles School.
