In his biweekly column, Langley Shazor speaks to issues important to men within the territory. This week’s introduces The Lounge.
“Real men don’t cry” ranks very high on my list of worst advice ever. Why shouldn’t we? Who determined being emotionally unavailable was appropriate? What quantifies and qualifies a “real man?” How are we supposed to have meaningful partnerships with emotional creatures if we cannot process and convey our own emotions?
I grew up a product of the “bootstrap” generation. Tears were for soft and weak individuals, showing emotion was a chink in the armor, and talking about how you felt was taboo. I was made to believe that this was the only way to survive, by not letting anyone get too close. “Never let them catch you slipping” still plays over and over in my mind as I try to navigate a new culture, new surroundings, and new relationships.
I have often said that walls build both castles and prisons. Keeping everyone at arm’s length only keeps you from creating authentic interpersonal experiences. Likewise, everything you are keeping in remains inside until you either implode or explode. I ruined many friendships and romantic relationships by erecting these walls. The only emotion I knew how to convey was anger, it was my default reaction to everything. Since the lounge is a place for transparency, I will say that anger is still my immediate reaction. The only difference now is that I have control over what I do and say when I am feeling that way.
Understand this; how you feel is always valid, ALWAYS. Never let anyone dismiss your emotions, and don’t you dare dismiss them either. We are made to feel. We are not robots. We certainly have the ability and potential to be apathetic and insensitive. We also have a choice to be the opposite. YOU have the choice to break the cycle of repeating the same behaviors as those before you and those around you. Our spheres of influence are multigenerational. That is many of us have people older, younger, and the same age that we spend time with and learn from. It is often these individuals that have the greatest influence on how we view and internalize our emotional states. Several quotes come to mind when I think about relationships and vulnerability:
- Your old circle and your new circle cannot coexist.
- If you are trying to hold onto old connections that have expired, you’re delaying your future.
- If your “people” are not pushing you to be better, you don’t have a circle, you have a cage.
- Evaluate the lifestyles, conversations, and conduct of your friends. Are you being a follower or a leader?
- Not everyone in your circle is in your corner.
- There are secret haters and saboteurs hiding among you. These people are strategizing your downfall.
You may wonder why I am talking about friendship and how it affects emotional intelligence. Many of us did not have father figures growing up. Our only frame of reference is the environment we grew up in. Unfortunately, that soil is sometimes barren, and the only thing thriving is weeds, which are choking out your progress and potential. We owe it to our future selves to surround ourselves with people that we don’t have to masquerade around. If you can’t be yourself, if you are pretending, if you are “fronting” for their approval, ask yourself, “Why does what they think matter?”
Being able to cry is the pinnacle of vulnerability, transparency, mental and emotional understanding, and safety. It is also one of the most undiscovered places of strength and courage. It’s easy to be tough, it’s easy to be angry, it’s easy to be explosive. It is difficult to have control, and even more complicated to have understanding. True power comes from contemplating something that has formed from a negative exposure and refraining from acting it out.
Here is where we break the perception that crying is negative; that it is weakness, that it is softness, that it is for children, and so on. Lyfe Jennings once said, “Crying is like taking your soul to the laundromat.” I didn’t understand it then, but years later when I began to allow myself the space to cry and constructively express myself, I uncovered a peace and a strength I had never experienced. Those tears were filled with pain, aggravation, disappointment, frustration, dishonor, low self-esteem, self-destructive thoughts, and discomfort for crying in general. What I discovered was that when I shed those tears, I shed those feelings. The physical act of crying carried away the emotional strain attached to whatever it was that disrupted my peace. When I wiped them away, I also wiped the slate clean and was able to reset (the word for this year). Like using a liquid to clean lenses, clearing those tears also cleared my vision. This helped me identify the ones that were holding me back from the ones that were pushing me forward.
Shed your tears, feel your emotions, cleanse your soul, change your circle, and change your future.
Langley “Casual-Word” Shazor is a poet, author, publisher, entrepreneur, public speaking coach, podcast host, and pastor who is an advocate for youth and men. His goal is to enlighten, empower, and liberate those who are silenced, marginalized, and enslaved to self-destructive thoughts and behaviors. Visit thecasualword.com
