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Coach Paradise: Look, See and Tell the Truth

Coach Paradise is here to help people make the kind of changes that will allow them to live the lives they only dream of. Recently returned to her own tropical home, she is offering her services so that others can create paradise in their lives wherever they are. No concern is too big or small for her unique coaching approach which comes with compassion, creativity and a heartfelt desire to help others produce extraordinary results. If you have a question for Coach Paradise, please send it confidentially to her at anne@coachparadise.com.
Dear Coach Paradise –
I wrote to you a while back – about how my friend and lover did not bother to make time to see me when I was traveling in his country this summer and about how disappointed I was. I thought your answer was great and I have to frankly admit that it made me question where I am really at.
Coach Paradise, I am not sure that I want a really committed relationship. I say that I do but in the last few years I have noticed that I really don't want to work at it. I enjoy my alone time and myself. I love the hint of romance and really get a charge out of the thought of falling in love, having some good sex and a shoulder to lean on. However, I become distant when it looks like a possibility.
I think I look around and get scared. I think I look at all the trouble in the world (AIDS in the black community, poverty, abuse, etc.) and thank God that I have made it this far alive, sane, with an interesting life, job, etc. In some ways this makes me somewhat sad but not enough to work at giving up my self-sufficiency or working on having a more intimate relationship.
As a vibrant older (black if that means anything different from white women), I feel like I might just be home free (educated, work, property, good health, not depressed etc.) and I want to keep it that way. If no other man loves me again in life, I have already had more than my share.
Home Free
Dear Home Free,
I am grateful to you – for your feedback on my response to your question (See Changing Expectations to More Interesting Conclusions) and for your honesty. I was deeply moved by your letter and want to share it with my readers.
We say we want lots of things and often really believe we do. It takes a great deal of courage to "look, see and tell the truth" so that we can get to what really matters and what our true intentions are, we can call our own bluffs!
If we don't do this we spin our wheels and play a blame game rather than getting clear and taking responsibility for our lives. You have admitted that a big factor in not getting what you want (in this case a committed relationship) is in large part because you have great ambivalence about being in a relationship.
Your other intentions (to be independent, healthy, safe, professional) are more important to you. You also seem to have a conclusion that to be in a committed relationship would threaten these closely held values. There may be a more interesting conclusion here but that's for you to figure out.
You are choosing integrity (i.e. wholeness). It is "somewhat sad" that being in a committed relationship with a man carries so many threats to your integrity, but you sound "home free" and proud of what you have accomplished against all odds. You should be. Above all, you are conscious and willing to be truthful. This tells me that you not only will get what you want but that you already have it.
Warm wishes,
Coach Paradise

Editor's note: Coach Paradise (aka Anne Nayer), Professional Life Coach, is a member of the International Coaching Federation, an MSW clinical social worker/psychotherapist, and a medical case manager with 30 years experience working with people of all shapes, sizes and challenges.
For further information about her services, call 774-4355.

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